I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
