i think i scared a bird with my dick
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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