i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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