Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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