dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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