i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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