Got a toothbrush?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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