Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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