we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
