Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
