I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
