My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
