I showed him my bush... on skype.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I FOUND THE LEGS
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
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