Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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