I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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