I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
