I just threw up on my dentist
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
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