A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So many bounce houses so little time
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
