you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
