Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
