In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
