you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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