i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
