Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
