You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
