Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
