Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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