the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
