i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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