What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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