I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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