I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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