It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
