Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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