im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Randomize
