You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
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