I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
