my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
It's shark week go big or go home
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
