I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
