So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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