the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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