Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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