Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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