She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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