you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
