He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
