Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
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It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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