My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
