In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
