She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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