My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
