I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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