Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
