I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
