it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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