my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
