the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
