It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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