remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
