Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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