1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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