dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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